I won't dance, don't ask me

Let me be allowed to kick off this blog on a negative note.
Something that will already earn me some enemies, but at the same time show perfectly what I am and am not about.
Way, way better than a declaration of principles.

I do not like Twilight.
I don't like it as a novel, I don't like it as a movie, I could not, would not, in a house; I would not, could not, with a mouse.

Look, it's not the writing; it's not the author, nor the characters; it's not the horrid cover, it's not even the plot that makes you unbearably uncomfortable once you realize it's all the author's masturbatory fantasies.

Fuck this. It's all of the above, and then some. This whole clusterfuck of crap couldn't make my skin crawl more if it tried. It's like Meyer...works at it.

But you know, I'm not gonna wax poetically about the things I hate about it, because everybody's already talked about it enough to fill volumes.
Nope, sir. My approach is way more didactic than just your average review.
I have a little nugget for comparisson, actually. I think comparissons illustrate things way better than a crappy 2-cent thesis I could actually sit down and write:

There's some old woman in France who wrote a terrible novel about a man possessed
by a vampire. The novel's called Vampire and the main character is a man named Till and he's based on Till Lindemann, from german trans-metal band Rammstein, and several childhood nightmares. Anyway, it's about a rock band frontman who's tormented and possessed by the spirit of a vampire who sucks life energy out of people by giving them terrible visions (or sometimes orgasms; and yeah, you read that right); it's pretty much a fuckin' fanfic.
The masturbatory self-inssertive tales of a french old lady who fantasizes about boinkin' Till Lindemann from Rammstein.
It's like a fanfic and probably as badly written. It's awful and out of print for a reason and I wouldn't recommend its reading AT ALL.

....Yet it's still fuckin' better than that drawl Twilight, just because at least the vampire here isn't a shiny faggot. I mean, fuck. It's fuckin' Till Lindemann from Rammstein! That's a real man. Even when he's being a goofy idiot, you still feel he could kick your ass just by looking at you. He's german, he's big, his voice is like a commander of thunder.
Yeah, I buy him a lot more as a fuckin' vampire than 'OMGEdward'.
For that matter, I buy Count Chockula as a vampire more than 'OMGEdward', so I dunno.

(shit, I even like the cover better; kinda has a Mike Mignola feel to it...)

Addendum: to write this article with some sense of what I was doing, I *had* to read excerpts from the novel. They were in french, but my basic grasp of the language (plus a 2-bit translator) threw up (as in vomited) enough to get the gist of them.
...let's just say I could've lived without reading that. In fact, I'm sure for every excerpt I dared thread like dark muddy waters, I lost at least 1 day out of my life.
Just know the sacrifices I do for you guys :)